The Nature of Forgiveness
November 13, 2009
Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things that confronts humanity. Nations fight wars over hurts that go back literally hundreds, and sometimes thousands, of years. The conflict in the Balkans in the 90s is a good example of how, for hundreds of years, Bosnians and Croats have fought because at various times in their history they have each perpetrated inhumanities against one other. They have spent hundreds of years “getting back” at each other. When they aren’t fighting they are enduring their own little “cold war” of animosity. Until forgiveness is found, this sad history will simply continue to repeat itself into the future.
Individuals are no different.
I was recently told that it is hard to believe that one who causes a problem could also be the one to solve it. How perceptive that is.
The truth of the matter is that it is very seldom the one who causes a problem who solves it. Forgiveness almost always comes not when the offender does something but when the offended does something. That is the gospel. I am the offender (and so are you). We’ve offended God. Repeatedly. Unashamedly. Consistently. Yet it wasn’t God (the offended) who came to me (the offender) and demanded that I fix it. Truth is he knew I couldn’t fix it. Instead the offended one reached out to the offender and fixed the problem himself. Through forgiveness. That’s the beauty of forgiveness.
Now, God tells us to go and do likewise. My obligation toward the one who has offended me is not to require him to fix the situation. My obligation now, as the offended, is to offer forgiveness and reconciliation to the offender. This is what God has done for me. This is what God calls me to do for others.
If I fail, or refuse, then I’m pretty sure I’m not going to like the consequences. It doesn’t simply mean that I’m a Christian who isn’t willing or able to do what I should. Jesus said that I will be forgiven (or not forgiven) on the basis that I offer forgiveness. Jesus told a lengthy parable about that in Matthew 18:21-35 where he concludes, “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” I forgive because I want to be forgiven. But apparently Jesus tells me I can’t have it both ways – refusing forgiveness toward another while receiving forgiveness from God. If I can’t give forgiveness then I can’t have forgiveness. Don’t shoot the messenger. I didn’t make that up. I’m just passing along what Jesus told us. It is one of those uncomfortable truths. Uncomfortable because forgiveness is hard. Uncomfortable because forgiveness is necessary.
May God grant us all the grace to do the hard, but necessary thing.
I see Christians carry out their petty little retributions and shunnings and wonder what the angels must be thinking of all this worldly behavior. Oh, and the gloss on this rotting corpse is their insistence that they have forgiven the person they maintain their anger at, barring any sort of restored relationships. This reminds me of Ghandi’s judgement on Christians - his witness of their behavior.
But what do you do with someone who refuses to believe they have offended you at all? I can see telling God that you have forgiven them and sincerely mean it yet hold much reservation about continueing a relationship with that person. I completely agree forgiveness must be offered but relationships can’t mend if the offender refuses to change their ways. Thoughts? Advice?
Well, Sean, you’re right. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m going to continue to subject myself to the continued mistreatment of another or that I am no longer on guard against such mistreatment. It is true that God casts our sin as far as the east is from the west, but it is also true that when his children continue in sin he will discipline them. When the Bible tells us that God will “remember our sins no more” it doesn’t mean that God literally forgets them - that they are no longer present to his mind. Given the nature of God that would simply be impossible. We would have to deny that he knows everything. To “remember our sins no more” is no longer to hold them against us. But he still has knowledge of them and when we continue in them he will act accordingly with discipline.
Of course, we are not God. That means that we are much more limited in our perspective. It also means that we, particularly as individuals, may or may not be the responsible party when it comes to meting out discipline. If it is my child, then yes, I am responsible for that. If it is a church member, then together we are responsible for that. If it is my boss, my co-worker, my parent, my peer, then I may have to leave the discipline in God’s hands. Nevertheless, I am still aware of the offense, even if they are not. I will likely be guarded with them, and rightly so. It may affect how I relate to them, though I should always relate to them out of love (see 1 Cor. 13). But love for them does not require that I allow myself to become their doormat to walk all over even if they do not see it. There are even times when the loving thing to do is to have nothing to do with them (see Titus 3:10-11).
Forgiveness and love go hand in hand. Forgiveness says that I will not hold a grudge, harbor bitterness, or hold an action against someone’s account. Love speaks to my attitude and actions toward that person and why I do what I do toward them. If I am reserved or guarded toward them, why is that? We can do that out of a loving response toward them - because in being reserved or guarded we still want the best for them and the best for the situation. Too often our response toward those who hurt us is motivated by a desire to get back at them and make them hurt, not out of a genuine loving concern for them.
Hope this helps.